Impossibility is just a possibility you don't understand yet

#16 - Emo songs, sleeping like a 'normal' person and why 'Just Do It' is now my impetus

AI Images from Suno (artwork for songs)

Prologue

Hello dear readers,

This is a biggie - soz - I know its been a while so this will cut off if you just read it in your email and you don’t want to miss anything so go ahead and open this up in the app or browser and lets begin shall we.

And its April… when did that happen? - technically I started writing this in March although that was only a couple of days ago wasn’t it - and Spring is now in full swing… literally, one minute its raining the next its bright, burning hot sunshine.

That might sound dramatic, I can be a little dramatic, but anything over 16° and i’m far too hot and get incredibly aggy¹ and its very bright which makes me hiss like a vampire or make the hissing and spitting noise Toulouse makes in the Aristocats² (which I do a lot to display my displeasure or take a defensive position to things).

I digress; this piece is many things and maybe nothing all at but I got home from having coffee (decaf, caramel soya latte if you were curious) with my friend and former manager³ on Thursday morning, made my giant 2l Thermos flask of tea and was determined to at least begin writing this piece (its now Monday evening when i’m finalising this 😬).

After finding that I’d collected far too many notes in recent weeks, that need to be collated, refined, processed and shared, I went with - what I’m calling the Nike⁴ Force - which very scientifically boils down to, what I explained to my therapist upon our return to sessions, was ‘If i’m sat there and I think about making something to eat or going to have a shower or doing anything I don’t particularly have the intrinsic motivation to do… I just tell myself “well you’re thinking about it so just do it!”

It’s beyond simple - well, when it’s written out like this or I talk about it, it is - but its been quite powerful and often times the most simple things are. Between autistic inertia and ADHD paralysis I am often paralysed, overwhelmed and then all the things become no things and then I haven’t eaten or showered or moved or done anything and it all feels like ten tons of shite on my shoulders because I ‘couldn’t just do the things!’ but this interruption to the thinking with a simple instruction has, at least started to, get me doing the things.

Until this ridiculously simple and efficient phrase came to mind, this is what I would berate myself with. Of course its rife with internalised ableism and all the bastard ‘shoulds’ that plague every fibre of my being but when you are as cognitive as I am, when you live so very deeply in your mind, and you’re not acquainted with how that mind works, what it likes, what it doesn’t, what it needs or just wants… even attempting the most basic of tasks to attend to your needs, becomes its own mountain to climb and I have felt (and continue to some days) like all i’ve ever done is try and climb the mountain.

The metaphorical mountain in this instance is to over function, succeed, be productive, be good (or better than good) or just not feel so useless and to stop feeling so dam bad about then feeling useless…

I hadn’t realised i’d been climbing hills all my life whilst pushing a rock up and sometimes that rock had some bloody square edges! But I don’t need to climb the mountain - especially when I really do not want to climb a mountain.

You get it right? We can be done with that analogy…

And then suddenly (it wasn’t sudden but I couldn’t tell you when it started) I began sleeping, like a regular human being. You know those mythical creatures who get tired, go to bed and go to sleep before 4am, get more than 4-6 hours and wake up naturally⁵ and they do this on a regular basis… yeh I’ve become one of those!

I know! I KNOW! WTF!? After 25 years of insomnia, of trying all the things, of every day replying to ‘how are you?’ with ‘TIRED’ it just kinda happened… Quelle surprise!

TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!? I hear any and every insomniac cry!… I hear you and I wish I could share it with you, a quick ‘try this and voila!’ but what it came down to was the culmination of many things, that has taken many months and also - here’s the real kicker - actually listening to and responding to how I felt. 😱

I know right… who knew. Well apart from millions of people who’ve done this their whole lives but shhh we don’t need to talk about (bruno)⁶ them.

It was having 2 months to really rest and process burnout. It was my therapy sessions with my wonderful therapist. It was the trying to listen and then practicing listening to my needs and having the knowledge and awareness of how my brain works and what might be making things hard. All of it, suddenly meant I could sleep.

So i’ve been doing that, I’ve been going to bed and sleeping (sometimes better than others, parts of me are still wondering WTAF is going on) waking up naturally, and making my flask of tea and a bacon sandwich, then doing whatever I feel like doing each day. What’s this called? Oh yeh right, a routine!?

And its nice… it still makes me anxious because rugs can be pulleth’d… but its nice and its why I haven’t written for a minute. I almost didn’t want to jinx it. Its now night two of 2 am and change awake-ness, because I haven’t stuck to listening to the ‘don’t start shit near midnight cause you will hyper focus pal’ but i’m not giving myself shit about that and that’s new too.

So here’s some of the stuff I’ve been doing, thinking, feeling and want to share with you all and will hopefully make up for the past few weeks. 🧡

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Chapter One: What I’ve Been Watching, Reading and Listening To

(Plus some thoughts)

First lets go to the movies (or your chosen streaming platforms)

Call Me By Your Name | WW | Tomb Raider

1. Call Me By Your Name (2017)

   I’m not sure why it took me so long but I finally got round to watching this and it was such a beautiful film. The moment pictured above between Elio and his Father was so tender and affirming. Plus, as you know I love my music and the soundtrack is sublime.

2. Wonder Woman (2017)
   I love Greek mythology, where ever it shows up - Shakespeare, TV shows, the DC universe - and it’s rife in Wonder Woman. But interestingly while telling my friend about it and subsequently looking at the Wiki page for the character, realised the characters creator William Moulton Marston⁷ was in a polyamorous relationship, and he based the original character’s appearance on his wife and their partner. I found it incredibly interesting, especially given the time he and they lived in.

3. Tomb Raider (2001)
   Then lastly, I rewatched Angelina Jolie’s Tomb Raider films recently. I wanted to call out the first movie for three reasons (not counting the incredibly poor accents from Daniel Craig and Angelina - there is no reason Daniel needed to have an American accent here…)

   1. Its about controlling time and it got me thinking, would we really ever actually want that power? It never seems to end well. Would you?

   2. The early 00’s really had some suspect and down right bad form scenes and dialogue. Particularly of note, in the early part of this ‘masterpiece’ there is a gratuitous scene where we just watch Angelina (Lara) shower - slowly - and as if she’s never known the feel of hot water in her life. It goes on for an uncomfortably and completely unnecessary amount of time; aside from the fact it adds absolutely nothing to the story I found it bizarre.

   3. There’s some good tunes in it and it ends with the banger that is Where's Your Head At which was very of its time. Basement Jaxx pretty much dominated the early 00’s so it was nostalgic.

I’ve also run out of steam re-watching Grey’s Anatomy (got to S13) so I’ve now restarted Game of Thrones for my comfort watching.

Reading

Lots of poetry, namely by Keats, Shelley, Duffy, Byron and a huge amount on Instagram from various people.

I came across this piece “How an Intense Unclassifiable Relationship Shaped the History of Modern Thought” from Maria Popova on the relationship between Margaret Fuller and Ralph Waldo Emerson. I found it incredibly intriguing and learnt a lot amongst the different letters shared.

I also bought Maria Popova’s book Figuring which i’ve only just started but will share the following:

Kepler's life is a testament to how science does for reality what Plutarch's thought experiment known as "the Ship of Theseus" does for the self. In the ancient Greek allegory, Theseus-the founder-king of Athens-sailed triumphantly back to the great city after slaying the mythic Minotaur on Crete. For a thousand years, his ship was maintained in the harbor of Athens as a living trophy and was sailed to Crete annually to reenact the victorious voyage. As time began to corrode the vessel, its components were replaced one by one-new planks, new oars, new sails-until no original part remained. Was it then, Plutarch asks, the same ship? There is no static, solid self. Throughout life, our habits, beliefs, and ideas evolve beyond recognition. Our physical and social environments change. Almost all of our cells are replaced. Yet we remain, to our- selves, "who" "we" "are."

I loved reading this, especially now, where i’m at and whats evolving in me and around me but coming back to who I am has always been there, somewhere.

Next up, here’s a collection of pieces I’ve read, which has talked to some part of me that needed it recently and you might get something from them too:

(Re) Listening

In Memoriam by Alice Winn (highly recommend)

How to Stop Time by Matt Haig (also recommend)

This whole album from Dermot Kennedy is so good and Sonder is a wonderful word and its definition is compelling.

Sonder (neologism) The profound feeling of realising that everyone, including strangers passing in the street, has a life as complex as one's own, which they are constantly living despite one's personal lack of awareness of it.

I’ve also had 3 songs by Sufjan Stevens from Call Me By Your Name on repeat too - very beautiful and ethereal.

Visions of Gideon | Mystery of Love | Futile Devices

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Chapter Two - AI Sings and Is this what Pride feels like?

A little while back I shared a song I wrote here, then whilst reading many things the other night I came across an article on Suno AI which enables you to create songs, with vocals and all. So of course, I had to give it a go and so here it is, my song actually being sung…

Try

Now, I don’t know if its because i’ve been listening to Tiny Habits on repeat or because it magically sounded so similar to how I imagined it when I wrote it but this ‘futuristic folk’ version instantly felt right. Anyway, you can pick pretty much any genre of music, so I had to try another and this led to ‘infectious emo’ which is actually a bit of a banger… it definitely talks to the little emo teenager inside that still has a myspace page somewhere…

Try - Emo Version

who remembers this from Skype!?

I’d love to know which version you liked or preferred?

If you want to have a go with Suno, its pretty fun and you don’t even need lyrics. You can just write prompts, like with any good little AI, and it will write you your own song! Have a go and share anything you make in the comments - I’d love to hear them!

B Side

This of course very nearly became a hyper focus the other night as I retrieved lyrics I wrote well over a decade ago, so here’s a few more just for the sake of it, that I made on Saturday (due to when these were originally written the ‘infectious emo’ was pretty on the nose for most of them). They probably need a rewrite depending on the genre and know I know the tricks in formatting lyrics with Suno but it’s been fun playing around. Let me know what you think.

Falling Into Fists (little more alt-rock)

Your Favourite Song

⬆️ this one annoyingly cuts off a little but hey ho its AI

Check Into Me

THEN as I listened to Try I got a feeling, some feelings, I’m not familiar with, when I hear it and its so strange hearing a song I wrote being sung. I used to write (and sing incredibly badly) some songs when I was 18/19, with a friend I’d made online, and it’s another one of those long lost passions? interests? i’ve rekindled recently. But it makes me feel lots of different types of ways; once I ask my therapist and she helps me figure out what these feelings are, I’ll let you know!

I’ll wrap this section up with a song I wrote this weekend, its ‘anthemic pop’ so its boppy and uplifting, and I hope comforting if that’s what you need.

Harbour (You Got This)

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Chapter Three - It was the best of times, it was the worth of times.

Too many of us make ourselves small, hide things away things that bring us joy, things that excite us or that we're proud of and just want to enjoy even for a moment... But somewhere, someone told us to stop, be quiet, get back in the box or they decided that our joy or achievement or pride made them feel bad about themselves and so instead of joining in or celebrating with us they lashed out and made us minimise ourselves. Made us become as small as they felt themselves.

This only needs to happen once, especially early enough in any relationship - caregiver to child, partner to partner, friend to friend - to leave enough of a lasting effect that it can get internalised. Then we take on the job, the work of managing and minimising ourselves just in case... just in case it happens again or we're perceived that way again.

It's too common and then the system is set up to reinforce that messaging, that to be prideful or joyful without practicing gratitude, moderation or ensuring its not self focused is capital B bad somehow.

I say all this because I feel like between many of the messages I’ve heard and internalised over the years which effected my writing of songs, and my interest in a number of things part of the chat I had with my friend at coffee on Thursday was about the value I assign to myself and being able to ‘sell oneself’. We also discussed and she shared about minimising sharing the joy of pride and achievement whether it be due to success or progress because obvs SAME! This is also a very english thing to do but it’s all relevant and connected.

Because starting last week (I think, I have a poor concept of time) I started applying for jobs. I know I won't have the luxury of not getting a pay cheque soon but with this, and even before any next steps, or interviews have occurred I can feel the demands building along side the imposter syndrome, the desire to be and say all the right and best things and push my own needs and wants aside and head straight into burnout again.

I am driven by being in service to others and when this comes from the authentic place aligned to my values, it doth overflow my cup with good things… but there is a flip side to this drive when it comes from shame, feelings of lack and validation seeking (which when its not from a values based place is rarely ever good).

So i’m now tentatively walking that tight rope, that push and pull of what is intrinsic healthy striving, and the ‘if I am not capable, excellent, working, useful and being of use I am less than’. The latter leads to burnout, shame, and disconnection from feeling again, so how about let’s not do that huh.

Tis a fickle thing when it’s all so heavily wrapped up with vulnerability. Which leads me on to:

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Chapter Four - A sustainable (and happy) life

I have no other way of thinking.
I have no other way of existing.

This is what repeats through my mind a lot. Especially when I’m trying to reflect, to learn, to evolve and to know thyself.

How I experience this world will never be known to another and neither will I ever truly know how another experiences their world.
I will never be able to understand why some people don't have curiosity or a desire to understand things, just like people will never understand the need and innate desire I have for those things alongside the intensity in which I seek and are consumed by them.

I know not how again to wander and grope, seeking my place in another Soul.
— Margaret Fuller

But I feel, every time we share our position, our view, discover and divulge our nature, feelings and thoughts, we come closer to each other. We come closer to understanding, so that the only thing that separates us is acceptance that we are not the same and thats how it should be.

We can belong without being attached.
We can get attached without being stuck or trapped.
We can have paradoxical thoughts and values and be singular in the beings that we are.

The discomfort, the unease, and the suffering comes from wanting, striving and twisting ourselves in to that which we are not. By going against our nature to fit another's. To meet another's perception, expectation or experience of the world will always result in suffering.

We suffer by wanting different things often at odds with one another, but we suffer even more by wanting to want different things.
— Maria Popova

I need to meet you where you're at, not where I think you need to be or where I am and if you do the same that's where we'll find balance. That's where we'll find equity and understanding and hopefully acceptance. For ourselves and for each other.

And so, after a months break, my sessions have resumed with my therapist and given where i’m at and where I need to be we decided to start back on mapping out my neurodivergent profile.

My therapist attended training, back in February, with

Louise Brown

from

Curiosity Spot

and came back to our sessions with a ton of really helpful information and some ideas on a different direction we could take with some of our sessions - as always my therapist and I were weirdly in sync because I’d been chewing on how I could start recognising, learning and then identifying how my neurodivergence shows up for me - so this was another thing in the culmination of things falling into place.

I’d managed to identify hyper focus triggers and also insomnia triggers in her absence but we, I, need to know where all the rest is coming from and then how I can manage it, work with it, even thrive from it.

Work With, not Against.

So we’ve started that work but what also lead me to this chapter, and what was also a timely thing I needed to hear and begin to absorb in the sponge of my learning right now, is a conversation I had on Friday with my friend.

Its an analogy but stick with me… i’m paraphrasing but she said:

You know the first couple of years in a babies life is crucial, its when bonds and connections and a lot of really important things happen that will help form who that baby is going to be. Well that’s where you’re at right now and its a really vulnerable place to be. There is a lot of vulnerability when you’re navigating all of this, figuring out who you are, who you want to be, what you like and need and all the bonds and connections that you now have control over; the decisions you want and need to make about your life that aren’t about what others have told you, you should want or need, are really important.

Side quest: the latter part about connections, decisions and ‘shoulds’ is all tied up with and due to CPTSD, people-pleasing etc. as well as undiagnosed neurodivergence and very high masking, so there’s a lot in the mix.

So I have to be cautious in these new first steps I’m taking, in all these firsts I’m experiencing or re-experiencing. In the decisions I make or don’t, and the time I give myself to process it and how I actually feel about it all, because there’s a whole other life ahead of me and it is crucial that it’s not only sustainable but its fulfilling, healthy and one I’d really like to be able to feel good about living.

That’s where I’m at right now. Taking some first steps, crawling a little on occasion and leading with feeling when and where I can with ‘just do it’ as a little interruption when there are thought storms - I’m trying. I’m learning. I’m living more than just existing and i’m hopeful.

Don’t get me wrong, it's really fucking hard and it’s really bloody tiring, but it’s growth and possibility - so much possibility.

“We only need to be one person. We only need to feel one existence.
We don't have to do everything in order to be everything, because we are already infinite. While we are alive we always contain a future of multifarious possibility.”
— Matt Haig, The Midnight Library

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✨ Sticking with ‘Just Do It’, I’m taking part in the Sparkle on Substack 24 Essay Club from

Claire Venus

so this will be #1/24 in 2024. ✨

1. Aggy is a slang term that means “aggravated” or “aggravating” … like “irritated” or “irritating.”

2. Toulouse - Meow fft fft fft

3. I was laid off in January, along with my manager, hence the ‘former’ part. We live ten minutes from each other which was a happy coincidence when working remotely for a US company.

4. Nike is pronounced nai·kee officially but I always say Nike like Pike (and like…) how do you say it?

5. naturally isn’t a regular thing for everyone I know, alarms right?

6. sorry - couldn’t resist a ‘we don’t talk about Bruno’ reference there.

7. William Moulton Marston’s Wiki page