Finding Balance on a Quest for Authenticity

#15 - Learning to navigate with my heart and the power of an apology

“Somehow, we'll find it. The balance between whom we wish to be and whom we need to be. But for now, we simply have to be satisfied with who we are.”
— Brandon Sanderson, The Hero of Ages

Before we begin, this ones a little too big for the email again so make sure you can read the whole thing by checking it out in app or on the web - thank you❤️

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Hello Dear Reader,

I've been looking for a reason why I've not posted sooner (essay or otherwise) and the reason is… I don't have a reason. I have been trying not to find reason and letting things just be - trying to anyway - there’s been a lot of noise and a lot of counteracting that noise.

But, as I do with nearly all things, I feel I've gone from one extreme to the other. Black and white. All or nothing and my brain is either 200% on or 200% off - which was evident the other day when all I wanted to do was sleep. Be asleep. Simply just so there was no conscious awareness and overwhelm of all the thoughts and noise - or at least significantly less - for a period. Of course I’ve also not been able to sleep at all more times than I care to count at this point - All or Nothing.

I've always got something to say (or questions to ask) and often an urge to say it but I've been wondering whether I 'should'.

I have been, what I think, is healthily procrastinating on writing about the second session of the parts work I've done in therapy recently. You can catch up on the first part here. What I feel I can share and that is relevant to this piece is that during the second session initially I felt blocked - I kept seeing a shield when I tried to find the parts we wanted to talk to - it was sitting at the base of my sternum. Then when I tried to look around (inside) I was on the crest of a hill looking across an expansive land where, it felt like, wait wasn’t there a village here before?

It all felt really rather quest-y… all the imagery and feelings being conjured were as if some sort of hero was on a quest and I just couldn’t figure it out. I literally said to my therapist ‘I don’t know what the fuck this is all about but it’s all like quest-y and shit’

I hadn’t watched anything even remotely based around fantasy-adventure recently (and not since come to think of it - i’m still comfort watching greys anatomy S10 already, and apart from one episode that featured people who had been to a comic-con its in no way related!)

The quest has continued and i’m picking up more pieces for my pack as I go.

What I've been ruminating on, checking out and then returning in my actual Thought Library, and then debating with myself is this:

• Will sharing this serve me or even others?

And more importantly:

• Will I be sharing this painful, raw, emotional and vulnerable 'story' from a place of wisdom and strength?
  OR

• Is it too fragile and still forming it's place within me?

I’m trying to find balance in what has been, especially recently, a very unbalanced time. Not to be a broken record but all the learning, unlearning and ensuring I understand causes a lot of imbalance as I navigate it all.

An 8bit Heart - Power Up or Extra Life?

You see I'm incredibly open-hearted and this is a quality I both love and fear. Fear for is perhaps a better way of saying it. It is not fear of being that way or the actions that can come from being this way, but fear of the inherent vulnerability that comes from the generosity that lives in and makes up this open-heartedness.

It puts me in a position where I can/could be taken advantage of (I have been before) and where I also end up putting myself in position where decisions, next steps and even just being patient gets tricky. It feels like walking a tightrope and if (when) I fall i’m falling way down or flinging back up super high like i’m on a bungee cord. I’m learning that this is my ADHD at play here, it creates what i’ve recently realised is a fizzy feeling and triggers hyper-focus before I can even register what’s happened.

Whatever this part (or parts) are it's naïve and innocent, and although protected by walls, knights and shields of all kinds... That little part of me which is actually probably the biggest (intrinsic and authentic) part of me, is also incredibly excitable, and can sometimes forget to look before he leaps.

What this means is before I can fully prepare the floor, in case he falls, prepare my heart, for the pain or the joy it may be consumed by, prepare a map, to navigate him back home or forge on to the next quest... I am scrambling just to make sense of it all and knowing I'm going to have to probably do some fire fighting, reflecting and even some apologising, once our feet are on the ground again - once we’re out of the maze.

Forgiveness will always be better than asking for permission

For such a long time I’ve held back, stayed silent, restrained and kept much of this as small and controlled as possible and sought permission before enacting any of my nature. But this took and takes considerable energy and hides such a big part of who I am. Who I’ve come to realise I am after finally listening to my heart and those in my life who’ve provided a safe enough space to experience even 75% of the full Casper experience. So now, slowly, i’m leaning into my nature more and if it hits wrong then I have to trust that those on the receiving end know my intentions are always good and always from a place of love; and curiosity of course.

Apologise? For what? you might ask. Well, what i’ve come to learn is that the definition of authentic is ownership.

To be authentic is to mean ownership of yourself, of your actions, of the way you impact the world.
— Sara Kuburic

In ownership of self, actions, failures, lessons, progress and of course successes - whatever they might be and however they look - but if you can’t own up to getting it wrong, to not knowing before but knowing now, then you owe it to yourself and those around you to acknowledge that, share your learning and apologise. You can find so much connection in an apology when it’s intention is authentic.

Take ownership of growth, experience and not only show but practice empathy, with yourself and others.

Mea Culpa

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Apologise comes from the Greek word apologia, which means "a speech in defence of something." Use the verb apologise if you are making an excuse for, defending, or explaining some action.

1. verb: acknowledge faults or shortcomings or failing

2. verb: defend, explain, clear away, or make excuses for by reasoning

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I highlight ‘explaining’ above as opposed to defence or excuse because I think for many, we’ve lost sight of what an apology is or can be. It can too quickly be assigned to just negativity and because for many, who may be on the receiving end hearing it from a place of hurt, its efficacy can get lost here too.

I’m of the belief that an apology doesn’t need to be ‘sorry’ - I apologise is an apology. Apologies aren’t just for resolving guilt or blame or absolving you of having done something to someone (including yourself).

Apologies are acknowledgements and show understanding of the impact on another, of the part you played in that and that you’re aware of this and want to ensure there is understanding - this is not about absolution.

It’s all about connection

When it comes to compassion and empathy, not only for others but for yourself too, I think there is real power in an apology. There are at least 8 ways to say ‘sorry’ that convey more compassion, kindness, love, validation and understanding and when it comes to talking to yourself this is just as important. It’s how to connect with others. It’s how you show up for yourself and to those in your life.

— Who you are is in what you do. —

🎵 Love is a verb, its an action 🎵
tiny things - Tiny Habits

‘Sorry’ can be and feel hollow, especially when you use it reflexively about your own behaviour or words - this belittles yourself and your intention, and I think intention is key in all of this. I apologise still stands when taking ownership, but when thinking about how to talk to yourself, how to connect and show up for others too - try these instead and let me know how it feels - from personal experience many of these hit much deeper and wider than just ‘sorry’ , ‘sorry you feel that way’ or worst of all saying ‘i’m sorry’ for just being yourself.

1. I understand…
   validation for the win here

2. That sounds tough…
   acknowledgement and validation

3. Tell me more…
   this is one of my personal favourites - it says i’m interested, engaged, willing to listen and it says i’m here for you too. 3 simple words that are pretty powerful if you ask me.

4. I’m here for you…
   empathy, assurance and support

5. You’re not alone…
   combat isolation and show understanding

6. This must be really hard for you…

   understanding and heartfelt empathy

7. I can’t imagine what you’re going through…
   a humble admission of ones limits and respect for the person, whilst acknowledging the gravity of the situation (not so much for self though)

8. It’s okay to feel this way…
   ultimate validation and permission to feel the feelings without judgement or shame

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IT’S NOT ABOUT THE NAIL - This is a bit of lightness but it represents that, most of the time, all we need is someone to listen, acknowledge, validate us, show empathy and not try and ‘fix’ anything and it applies to how we talk to ourselves as well as others.

To truly connect, we need empathy: the ability to understand another's feelings and connect to our own. We need to validate their and our emotions and offer support (or let ourselves know support is there if you allow it to be). By using phrases like the above, we can build deeper connections and show genuine care and love. From "You're not alone" to "It's okay to feel this way," these expressions pave the way for stronger empathy and compassion.

This is my go to video from, of course, Brené Brown on Empathy vs Sympathy and I’ll find any excuse to share it.

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Authenticity = Ownership

I want to share two podcast episodes that have given me a lot to think about, reflect on and find comfort in. In particular, they have both spoken to what has now become March’s theme of learning, curiosity and understanding for me, which are Self and Leading with Heart.

From The Gently Used Human: Dr. Scott Lyons speaks to

Sara Kuburic

on Truth, Authenticity and Self.

Here’s a couple of stand out excerpts:

I think we have so many things around self-love, self this, self-actualisation […] and something that I think so many of us experience and so many of us suffer as a consequence and we don't have the vocabulary around is self loss. Understanding that your lost is a really profound experience. I think it's also the perfect spot to begin creating yourself.

This is particularly hit home from my piece The Known Unknowing

[…] and I think it's like a very specific pain of observing or performing life. Without owning it, without being it. And I think it's like that realisation of waking up one day and going, who am I? And how did I get here?

[…] the way I define it is, like self-loss is self-estrangement or lack of alignment and it's sometimes it's like your actions will not be aligned with who you perceive yourself to be and that's a scary thing where you're like. I thought I was this kind of person. […] it makes it difficult for you to live not just authentically but have meaningful relationships with other people.

[…] different ways of viewing the self. So one is that you find yourself? The issue with that is like it means it's somehow constructed without you and it's been given to you and then now you're just going through a life trying to find it, right? […] I talk about the difference of essentialism and existentialism. That's kind of a general difference. And what I believe is that you create yourself. […] when you make an action it's shaping the authentic self or the inauthentic self.

I’m also now fascinated with and will be climbing into a rabbit hole soon on Existential Psychotherapy as a potential area I’d want to focus my learning on in the future. I’m tentatively holding a dream to be a therapist of some kind, some day…

Then in this one with Dené Logan, they talk about similar themes and topics but alongside partnering and relationships - recommend √

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Psst! Hey, sorry to interrupt…

…but before I continue, i’m currently writing a few fiction pieces and I’d love to hear if anyone’s curious to hear more about George and Emily? Do you want another chapter?

Let me know in the comments or restack with any questions I can consider answering when writing the next parts of their story…

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Nostalgic Reflections

Ok so let’s wrap this up - as i’ve been reflecting and searching back in my memories, I remembered the ~90 poems I wrote (well, typed up - there are many more from back then on paper in crates) online.

I started writing online wayyy back in the early 2000's - I even had a 20 year 'anniversary' message from AllPoetry.com which is where I first shared a lot of my writing.

Side-quest: I loved this age of the internet, it felt so much more connective back then. Spaces were built and filled with people looking to connect and share, this is possibly a nostalgic view now, but there was far less hate, poison and divisiveness - and certainly little to no algorithms or manipulation - mainly, i think, because there were far less people thinking about and choosing to capitalise on and monetise humans - there was more wonder and curiosity and ‘this is cool what we can do with this and i wonder if anyone else is interested in this big wide world’. Anyway…

It's interesting revisiting these now, these (often) pain filled and deeply emotional pieces - lots of unrequited love too of course - but with age, wisdom and everything that happened in those 20 years plus my ‘newly’ obtained AuDHD lens, I can see how much longing there was to be understood, to be heard, to belong and how much so much of what I feel has been there all along… waiting for me to take ownership of.

And I'm not sure if this is just a trait of mine but my gosh I've literally been yearning for over 20 years now it seems...

So I've selected a few from those years to share here - these were written between 2002-2004 roughly so I was 14-16 years old. There is definitely a naivety to some of the language used and verses as a whole, which is also interesting to read as the subject/themes certainly aren’t naive.

Blocked Up

I should be worried I should be sad
why can't these feelings surface, i feel bad
when i'm blank faced, no emotion there
it looks like i'm insensitive like I don't care

But I do, it just wont show
you look at me but don't know
theres this barrier between my head and heart
when i'm with you i don't feel like a part
of this pain, of the happiness you share
I can't do it. Its deep inside. I'm not there

Half the time i'm alone
The other half i'm with you
but why am I so blocked up
I want my feelings to shine through

So you can see when i'm happy
and not just hear it in my voice
I want to be a part of your life
but i have no choice

I'm blocked up, nothing will surface
I'm not in control and I hate this

I wanna be able to understand how I feel
not always be confused and not know whats real
cause i'm always living in a fantasy
that everything will be ok, that everyones happy

Why can't I see past this blind spot
I'm the kind of person who will not
take the lies or let them bother me
but because I store it away, i'm not living in reality

My head is full, the words are there
but i'm choked up, i'll find them somewhere
don't want to struggle anymore, to seem alright
I want to show emotion, show that i'm part of this life

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Won’t Be For Long

Tear
on my pillow
you wont stay
for long
pain
in my heart
can be
undone
anger
inside me
wont you please
go away
love
surrounding
me
let it stay

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Every Corner

Have you ever got that cold rush along your neck?
wanted to feel it again, don't know what comes next
don't know whats around the corner, don't know what to expect
it could be your next life line or next big step
but around every corner another path is laid
and every hour that passes is another day
with every thought in your head, another question asked
with every moment we share, another place in my heart
and if I run, if I hide, i'll want you by my side
to fight the battle we once lost, on that fateful night

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balance

Curiosity Corner 🧐

• What does balance feel like for you?

• How do you perceive authenticity?

• Do you lead with heart or mind?

Let me know in the comments or restack with your thoughts - I’d love to hear from you.

With love,

Casper x