Everything is upside down and the right way up

#8 - A whole new lens but it is half applied

Before I begin, I want to say hello, welcome and thank you to all of my recent subscribers. It’s deeply appreciated 🙌🏻 I also want to thank

Charlie Rewilding

for adding me to her recommendations and sharing my last post within her stacks community. I am honoured and grateful 🫶🏻

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Photo by Natalya Letunova on Unsplash

Right now, there’s a weight on my chest and a storm within it. Right now, things feel too much; and its across ALL THE THINGS!

This is a meme that always fills my mind when its ‘all the things’

Intention, Clarity and Context

Before I dig in, I had no intention of addressing today’s date, nor what I personally consider nonsense in terms of resolutions and such. I did begin writing something around this but it felt like wasted energy in the end… and again right now every thing is tainted negatively because I am in cycles of overwhelm and flitting between multiple varied spirals…

Content I have consumed recently has been 50/50 in terms of the ‘new year new me / resolutions blah blah blah’ and the content I am more aligned to which is ‘and…’ ‘here’s something real/interesting’ that is not a forced, societally expected thing. I am heartened to see, at least in my algorithmic feeds, more of the latter. (It’s nearly 2024 and thats an even number so i’m happy about that at least.)

We all have our own drivers, if the former of the mentioned content above is what you need to get shit done - great. It’s just not my vibe - especially when it causes comparison, expectations and demands on something/someone that’s perhaps already fragile.

This is all to say, it’s not relevant nor in anyway influential on this post and it’s contents. I’ve recently been called to set clear(er) intentions, provide context and work with clarity in mind; and so for me I feel I need to be explicit that this is not a ‘year end’ thing. The year is changing… that is all.

I feel like i’ve just ranted a little there, perhaps that’s exactly what is was... but this is something I’m feeling a lot of recently. Frustration.

In Atlas of the Heart from Brené Brown, Frustration is one of 87 emotions and experiences within the section “PLACES WE GO WHEN: Things Don’t Go As Planned” alongside, perhaps expectedly and even obviously at this point:

• Boredom • Disappointment • Expectations • Regret • Discouragement • Resignation •

All of these things, in one sequence or another, at one time or another are holding hands and clotheslining me, making it near on impossible to feel like I am currently able to make any progress in understanding, comprehending and ultimately accepting some things. I keep being knocked down, pulled back or even held down under the sheer weight of reality and shame.

I have a whole new lens half applied; the half it isn't applied to is my current life, the new lens is a whole other life, a whole other me and that's terrifying.

Although there has always, in one form or another, been conflict within me, recently this has been amplified.

This is Fight Club and Rule #1 is you don’t talk about Fight Club.

Recently that’s all there is. A fight. With myself and when I think i’ve tapped out I’m thrown back in and have to wipe the blood and sweat off and prepare for the next round.

This is an adaptation from a poem I wrote recently which captures this battle:

Everything and Nothing

It is
Chaos and Peace
Doubt and Certainty
Comfort and Discomfort
Loud and Silent
Black and White
Fact and Fiction
Soft and Sharp
Pain and Joy
Screams and Whispers
Contained and Free
Up and Down
Reality and Fantasy
Fearful and Brave
It is every thing and
no thing

As I am writing this, I went searching for links to relevant Fight Club references, quotes etc. and realised how so much of it is ringing true/relevant right now. And then I spent at least 15 minutes thinking about why and how this happened… is there a word for when this happens, it’s not just a ‘coincidence’? Please do let me know if you know a word for this…

“If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

Back to the point Casper - in what seems like a (more often than not) sort of synchronicity, Charlie Rewilding wrote about Trusting what feels right and true in her latest post which chimes here; there are some parallels anyway.

The ‘trusting’ part is one of my current frustrations - because I don’t trust myself. I can’t (currently) trust my feelings, my thoughts and I am questioning every single one of them even when it feels right, true and necessary.

I’m so used to many of these feelings/emotions being associated to fear, shame, regret (all the bad things) I’m struggling to associate them to authenticity, truth, values, my needs, wants and desires… the dark dude who’s currently at the wheel is telling me I am or will be: wrong, selfish, rejected, fail and i’m a bad person.

‘The heart palpitations, inability to catch your breath, heartbeat in your head are under no circumstances positives and to be taken as signals you’re being honest with yourself - get back in your box and shut up’ - sincerely Dark Driver.

I’m using ‘driver’ ‘wheel’ and control phrases and metaphors here as perfectionism is relevant, I can’t skip over that - there is a very helpful section in this episode on perfectionism from The Neurodivergent Woman Podcast with guest Jennifer Kemp, where Jennifer talks about the Passengers on the Bus which is a well-loved ACT metaphor. And my ‘passenger’ is, more often than not, actually the driver - he’s driving me off a cliff… and I’m letting him (he’s a bastard).

Photo by Ant Rozetsky on Unsplash

My therapist pointed out in a recent session that my brain very cleverly twists situations, meanings and feelings to prove this too… despite numerous, tangible pieces of evidence to the contrary.

Something beautiful becomes ugly. Something light becomes dark and something I want need becomes something I should never have fulfilled.

The shame I have, which has developed and grown deep roots over many many years is very much in control and so I am left frustrated. Confused, frustrated and yet still also certain and hopeful… certain that I need to get closer to whatever those feelings and physical manifestations are telling me I need. Hopeful that when I do, things will be better. I’ll feel better. I’ll finally have, be, feel, get all the things i’m truly meant to…

I think.

This is week two without seeing my therapist and we’re not due a session till the 15th January so everything’s tougher than usual right now and it’s (of course) coinciding with a lot of big feelings about a lot of big things. But… rather than keep writing my spirals and thoughts in my notes app i’ve brought (some of) them here.

I’m inviting anyone else who is currently feeling all their feelings and feeling like it’s too much to maybe get it out too, in whatever is the safest way for you to do so. And as always, I hope despite the darkness here, this gives you a little light that let’s you know you’re not alone.

Above all, I hope you know you're not alone.

Casper x

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Lastly, I felt it necessary to end with and call out that Spotify does a neurodivergent kinda dirty (albeit somewhat helpful) with literally calling you out and creating a playlist called On Repeat… why you gotta do me like that Spotify! Next years wrapped will be obvious again 🤣 Here are my recent loop songs and you’re welcome, there are some great tunes here 😉